Christopher Barnes

Lord Byron Makes A Sexual Health Clinic Appointment

Oh that thou                   muntered a laundered dossbag

      The fool                     and his bust juice gratefully unplug

The solitude                   of recovering is a slider’s brother

   Has lost its                scrangy thrills

There may be others     drooly on Monte Blanco

   I am not                     a lamp-genie, more-time!

I feel an ebb                    the hoolies fade

And the tide vibes         onto its raggedy hem
 
Glossary of slang: Muntered – Minging, Bust Juice – Semen, Slider – Shirker, Drooly – Attractive, 
More-Time! – Laters, Hoolie – Wild Party, Scrangy – Dirty.

 

Lord Byron Leaves DNA On A Cup

Perhaps – the workings          of astrals and identities smudge

   Within me,                           the pissant double helix uncoils

Brought on                               by an inconsiderable flob

   Perhaps a harder               look would evidence bones

For all                                       ridgy-didge night stars we infest

And with light                          the pinpoint takes its centre, these

Have taught me                       skin-pops too are evolving 

The chief companion              is human dregs

 

Glossary of slang: Pissant – Trifling, Flob – To Spit, Ridgy-Didge – Honest.


 

Lord Byron Goes For An Ultrasound

Kingdoms and empires                      jitter in cell grits

  I have outlived                                  rang-a-tang infirmities  

And when I                                           coffee-spit incubated bile

  Of my own years                              as a yo-boy all edged

Like a wild                                            flapdoodle in derro-ville

  Something –                                     gutsachey pops

A spirit of                                              twannie indulgence

Even for                                                me it’s a zofting flinch

Glossary of slang: Rang-A-Tang – Belligerent, Yo-Boy – Hooligan, Edged – Nervous,
Flapdoodle – Fuss, Derro-Ville – Derelict, Twannie – Stupid, Zofting – Pleasing.

Lord Byron Bungee Jumps For Charity

For thee                                               this wooshious stunt

   I know myself                                 peaky, devil-may-care

We were and are                                 mardies, once only the S.A.S.

   Beings                                            stoked for function

It is the same                                       psych out any aviation blonde entertains

   From life’s                                       wilding nerves

We are entwined                                  star-spas, chavvie-close

The tie which bound                            rakes up wamba for the penniless

Glossary of slang: Wooshious – Excellent, Peaky – Euphoric, Mardies –Softies,
Psych Out – Unnerve, Aviation Blonde – Peroxided, Wilding – Running Amok, 
Star-Spas – Mates, Chavvie – Underclass, Wamba – Money.

 

Lord Byron Is Tracked By GPS

But saving this                           on underware’s index

   You like vanilla                     meridians, barista forth

Such as in Monmouth-Street    where window-lickers dawdle

   Would rig flave                     clientele to exquisite buffage

And even                                     skells import loveliness

Where prettier                             droids wheeze rettes

For, bating Covent Garden        all le chat

No place                                      is ever fugly in unsparkling light

 

Glossary of slang: Underware – Personal Computer Files, Vanilla – Innocuous,
Window-Licker – Slow Wit, Flave – Stylish, Buffage – Attractive, Skells – The Homeless, 
Droids – The Unimaginative, Le Chat – Banter, Rettes – Cigarettes,Fugly – Fuck Ugly

Some bio details…
In 1998 I won a Northern Arts writers award. In July 200 I read at Waterstones bookshop to promote the anthology ‘Titles Are Bitches’. Christmas 2001 I debuted at Newcastle’s famous Morden Tower doing a reading of my poems. Each year I read for Proudwords lesbian and gay writing festival and I partook in workshops. 2005 saw the publication of my collection LOVEBITES published by Chanticleer Press, 6/1 Jamaica Mews, Edinburgh.

On Saturday 16Th August 2003 I read at the Edinburgh Festival as a Per Verse poet at LGBT Centre, Broughton St.

I also have a BBC web-page www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/gay.2004/05/section_28.shtml and http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/videonation/stories/gay_history.shtml (if first site does not work click on SECTION 28 on second site.

Christmas 2001 The Northern Cultural Skills Partnership sponsored me to be mentored by Andy Croft in conjunction with New Writing North. I made a radio programme for Web FM community radio about my writing group. October-November 2005, I entered a poem/visual image into the art exhibition The Art Cafe Project, his piece Post-Mark was shown in Betty’s Newcastle. This event was sponsored by Pride On The Tyne. I made a digital film with artists Kate Sweeney and Julie Ballands at a film making workshop called Out Of The Picture which was shown at the festival party for Proudwords, it contains my poem The Old Heave-Ho. I worked on a collaborative art and literature project called How Gay Are Your Genes, facilitated by Lisa Mathews (poet) which exhibited at The Hatton Gallery, Newcastle University, including a film piece by the artist Predrag Pajdic in which I read my poem On Brenkley St. The event was funded by The Policy, Ethics and Life Sciences Research Institute, Bio-science Centre at Newcastle’s Centre for Life. I was involved in the Five Arts Cities poetry postcard event which exhibited at The Seven Stories children’s literature building. In May I had 2006 a solo art/poetry exhibition at The People’s Theatre

The South Bank Centre in London recorded my poem “The Holiday I Never Had”; I can be heard reading it on www.poetrymagazines.org.uk/magazine/record.asp?id=18456

REVIEWS: I have written poetry reviews for Poetry Scotland and Jacket Magazine and in August 2007 I made a film called ‘A Blank Screen, 60 seconds, 1 shot’ for Queerbeats Festival at The Star & Shadow Cinema Newcastle, reviewing a poem…see www.myspace.com/queerbeatsfestival On September 4 2010, I read at the Callander Poetry Weekend hosted by Poetry Scotland. I have also written Art Criticism for Peel and Combustus Magazines. I was involved in The Creative Engagement In Research Programme Research Constellation exhibitions of writing and photography which showed in London (march 13 2012) and Edinburgh (July 4 2013) see http://www.researchconstellation.co.uk/ . I co-edit the poetry magazine
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goodreads.com/author/show/Robin Ouzman Hislop
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http://www.amazon.com. All the Babble of the Souk. Robin Ouzman Hislop
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http://www.innerchildpress.com/robin-ouzman-hislop.All the Babble of the Souk

Box Kick 16

…Floor crosses bag-of-tricks magnetrons
And peripherals…

Worker Ant No.11 kinks labels.

…Floor crosses bag-of-crunchbollock sRmg8TtA@o
?dA pip<Her2sla

Box Kick 17

…Skin-tight between word counter
And duplicator
With the setback hesitation graft…

Worker Ant No.12 cocks a wheel to shifty.

…Skin-tight between word counter
And tracklouse
H6.W cK,,,sB tat”9hsi0&

Box Kick 18

…Propelled to welder’s inhaling confines
Bridged with a sprung hose…

Worker Ant No.13 grafts contraptions.

…Propelled to welder’s railpogo NiFs7ne”
gib.(4r Hit- + sUn:p4 soH<

Box Kick 19

…Tiptop channel manoeuvres
For harmonious user reflex…

Worker Ant No.14 dribbles acid
Onto the keyboard.

…Tiptop channel manoeuvres
Marksmash #Hois2%!rA sUr/ xeR8&E

Box Kick 20

…Dinky tangible circumference,
Sit-back predicaments
In running flexibilities…

Worker Ant No.15 jigsaws the pod.

…Dinky tangible circumference,
Sit-back blundertrue N+nNir:]v eX3b_T,f7iii

In 1998 I won a Northern Arts writers award. In July 200 I read at Waterstones bookshop to promote the anthology ‘Titles Are Bitches’. Christmas 2001 I debuted at Newcastle’s famous Morden Tower doing a reading of my poems. Each year I read for Proudwords lesbian and gay writing festival and I partook in workshops. 2005 saw the publication of my collection LOVEBITES published by Chanticleer Press, 6/1 Jamaica Mews, Edinburgh.

On Saturday 16Th August 2003 I read at the Edinburgh Festival as a Per Verse poet at LGBT Centre, Broughton St.

I also have a BBC web-page www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/gay.2004/05/section_28.shtml andwww.bbc.co.uk/tyne/videonation/stories/gay_history.shtml (if first site does not work click on SECTION 28 on second site.

Christmas 2001 The Northern Cultural Skills Partnership sponsored me to be mentored by Andy Croft in conjunction with New Writing North. I made a radio programme for Web FM community radio about my writing group. October-November 2005, I entered a poem/visual image into the art exhibition The Art Cafe Project, his piece Post-Mark was shown in Betty’s Newcastle. This event was sponsored by Pride On The Tyne. I made a digital film with artists Kate Sweeney and Julie Ballands at a film making workshop called Out Of The Picture which was shown at the festival party for Proudwords, it contains my poem The Old Heave-Ho. I worked on a collaborative art and literature project called How Gay Are Your Genes, facilitated by Lisa Mathews (poet) which exhibited at The Hatton Gallery, Newcastle University, including a film piece by the artist Predrag Pajdic in which I read my poem On Brenkley St. The event was funded by The Policy, Ethics and Life Sciences Research Institute, Bio-science Centre at Newcastle’s Centre for Life. I was involved in the Five Arts Cities poetry postcard event which exhibited at The Seven Stories children’s literature building. In May I had 2006 a solo art/poetry exhibition at The People’s Theatre why not take a look at their website ptag.org.uk/whats_on/gallery/recent_exhbitions.htm

The South Bank Centre in London recorded my poem “The Holiday I Never Had”, I can be heard reading it on www.poetrymagazines.org.uk/magazine/record.asp?id=18456

REVIEWS: I have written poetry reviews for Poetry Scotland and Jacket Magazine and in August 2007 I made a film called ‘A Blank Screen, 60 seconds, 1 shot’ for Queerbeats Festival at The Star & Shadow Cinema Newcastle, reviewing a poem…see www.myspace.com/queerbeatsfestival On September 4 2010, I read at the Callander Poetry Weekend hosted by Poetry Scotland. I have also written Art Criticism for Peel and Combustus Magazines. I was involved in The Creative Engagement In Research Programme Research Constellation exhibitions of writing and photography which showed in London (march 13 2012) and Edinburgh (july 4 2013) see
www.researchconstellation.co.uk/ . I co-edit the poetry magazine Interpoetry
.

editor@artvilla.com
robin@artvilla.com
www.facebook.com/PoetryLifeTimes
www.facebook.com/Artvilla.com