5 Byron Slang Poems by Chistopher Barnes

Lord Byron Makes A Sexual Health Clinic Appointment
Oh that thou                   muntered a laundered dossbag
      The fool                     and his bust juice gratefully unplug
The solitude                   of recovering is a slider’s brother
   Has lost its                scrangy thrills
There may be others     drooly on Monte Blanco
   I am not                     a lamp-genie, more-time!
I feel an ebb                    the hoolies fade
And the tide vibes         onto its raggedy hem
Glossary of slang: Muntered – Minging, Bust Juice – Semen, Slider – Shirker, Drooly – Attractive, 
More-Time! – Laters, Hoolie – Wild Party, Scrangy – Dirty.

Lord Byron Leaves DNA On A Cup
Perhaps – the workings          of astrals and identities smudge
   Within me,                           the pissant double helix uncoils
Brought on                               by an inconsiderable flob
   Perhaps a harder               look would evidence bones
For all                                       ridgy-didge night stars we infest
And with light                          the pinpoint takes its centre, these
Have taught me                       skin-pops too are evolving 
The chief companion              is human dregs


Glossary of slang: Pissant – Trifling, Flob – To Spit, Ridgy-Didge – Honest.

Lord Byron Goes For An Ultrasound
Kingdoms and empires                      jitter in cell grits
  I have outlived                                  rang-a-tang infirmities  
And when I                                           coffee-spit incubated bile
  Of my own years                              as a yo-boy all edged
Like a wild                                            flapdoodle in derro-ville
  Something –                                     gutsachey pops
A spirit of                                              twannie indulgence
Even for                                                me it’s a zofting flinch
Glossary of slang: Rang-A-Tang – Belligerent, Yo-Boy – Hooligan, Edged – Nervous,
Flapdoodle – Fuss, Derro-Ville – Derelict, Twannie – Stupid, Zofting – Pleasing.
Lord Byron Bungee Jumps For Charity
For thee                                               this wooshious stunt
   I know myself                                 peaky, devil-may-care
We were and are                                 mardies, once only the S.A.S.
   Beings                                            stoked for function
It is the same                                       psych out any aviation blonde entertains
   From life’s                                       wilding nerves
We are entwined                                  star-spas, chavvie-close
The tie which bound                            rakes up wamba for the penniless
Glossary of slang: Wooshious – Excellent, Peaky – Euphoric, Mardies –Softies,
Psych Out – Unnerve, Aviation Blonde – Peroxided, Wilding – Running Amok, 
Star-Spas – Mates, Chavvie – Underclass, Wamba – Money.

Lord Byron Is Tracked By GPS
But saving this                           on underware’s index
   You like vanilla                     meridians, barista forth
Such as in Monmouth-Street    where window-lickers dawdle
   Would rig flave                     clientele to exquisite buffage
And even                                     skells import loveliness
Where prettier                             droids wheeze rettes
For, bating Covent Garden        all le chat
No place                                      is ever fugly in unsparkling light


Glossary of slang: Underware – Personal Computer Files, Vanilla – Innocuous,
Window-Licker – Slow Wit, Flave – Stylish, Buffage – Attractive, Skells – The Homeless, 
Droids – The Unimaginative, Le Chat – Banter, Rettes – Cigarettes,Fugly – Fuck Ugly

christopher barnes photo 3

Some bio details…
In 1998 I won a Northern Arts writers award. In July 200 I read at Waterstones bookshop to promote the anthology ‘Titles Are Bitches’. Christmas 2001 I debuted at Newcastle’s famous Morden Tower doing a reading of my poems. Each year I read for Proudwords lesbian and gay writing festival and I partook in workshops. 2005 saw the publication of my collection LOVEBITES published by Chanticleer Press, 6/1 Jamaica Mews, Edinburgh.

On Saturday 16Th August 2003 I read at the Edinburgh Festival as a Per Verse poet at LGBT Centre, Broughton St.

I also have a BBC web-page www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/gay.2004/05/section_28.shtml and http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/videonation/stories/gay_history.shtml (if first site does not work click on SECTION 28 on second site.

Christmas 2001 The Northern Cultural Skills Partnership sponsored me to be mentored by Andy Croft in conjunction with New Writing North. I made a radio programme for Web FM community radio about my writing group. October-November 2005, I entered a poem/visual image into the art exhibition The Art Cafe Project, his piece Post-Mark was shown in Betty’s Newcastle. This event was sponsored by Pride On The Tyne. I made a digital film with artists Kate Sweeney and Julie Ballands at a film making workshop called Out Of The Picture which was shown at the festival party for Proudwords, it contains my poem The Old Heave-Ho. I worked on a collaborative art and literature project called How Gay Are Your Genes, facilitated by Lisa Mathews (poet) which exhibited at The Hatton Gallery, Newcastle University, including a film piece by the artist Predrag Pajdic in which I read my poem On Brenkley St. The event was funded by The Policy, Ethics and Life Sciences Research Institute, Bio-science Centre at Newcastle’s Centre for Life. I was involved in the Five Arts Cities poetry postcard event which exhibited at The Seven Stories children’s literature building. In May I had 2006 a solo art/poetry exhibition at The People’s Theatre

The South Bank Centre in London recorded my poem “The Holiday I Never Had”; I can be heard reading it on www.poetrymagazines.org.uk/magazine/record.asp?id=18456

REVIEWS: I have written poetry reviews for Poetry Scotland and Jacket Magazine and in August 2007 I made a film called ‘A Blank Screen, 60 seconds, 1 shot’ for Queerbeats Festival at The Star & Shadow Cinema Newcastle, reviewing a poem…see www.myspace.com/queerbeatsfestival On September 4 2010, I read at the Callander Poetry Weekend hosted by Poetry Scotland. I have also written Art Criticism for Peel and Combustus Magazines. I was involved in The Creative Engagement In Research Programme Research Constellation exhibitions of writing and photography which showed in London (march 13 2012) and Edinburgh (July 4 2013) see http://www.researchconstellation.co.uk/ . I co-edit the poetry magazine

goodreads.com/author/show/Robin Ouzman Hislop
http://www.amazon.com. All the Babble of the Souk. Robin Ouzman Hislop
www.lulu.com. All the Babble of the Souk. Robin Ouzman Hislop
http://www.innerchildpress.com/robin-ouzman-hislop.All the Babble of the Souk

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