Shards.Poem.Gillian Stokes.

Hard words like bullets hit me

searing comments tear my skin

mute me , take away my power

your anger flails me.

With one word your scorn burns me

knocks me to the ground

wounds me deeply

searing my soul

killing me

slowly

 

and it never heals

 

I am wound upon wound

scar upon scar, building up

layer upon hurting layer

 

somewhere  inside deep inside

in a tiny dark little corner

my soul lies curled , furled

amoeba like

 

you say you know me , do you know me ?

how?

I don’t know me,  I know  a thousand me’s

I act

every day I act out a thousand personas

trying to find the one that fits the moment

trying to find the one that pleases the world,

you, myself, friends

 

sometimes I reflect back what is shown to me, thrown at me

good or bad

aggressive or loud

weak, soft ,emotional

maybe it works better being …

if I reflect you then

maybe you will like it better

if I am more you than me

 

but these people aren’t me

 

they are all just shards of the mirror of me

that’s fracturing with the pain of my life

my hurt , my sorrows, my tears

my wastes, my losses, my losing

my cheating myself

 

she’s crying out that child, that soul

that me…

she’s not gone forever

 

I see glimpses of her all the time

when I push aside the debris

 

most times though I leave her be

maybe to protect  her 

maybe because she is so long gone

such a distant memory

that I am losing the reality of her

maybe

 

maybe cos I still don’t know who

I want to be when I grow up

 

maybe cos it’s easier to blitz out,

avoid, compartmentalize, be the me

I am in the given moment, just exist

respond / react, just do what is expected

damp down the little sparks, one moment, over-react the next

anesthetize, avoid , procrastinate,

be mundane

just exist

just be an amoeba

 

so who is the amoeba now, her or me

 

but she won’t leave me alone this soul

of mine

she has a siren’s  call, this Pandora soul of

mine.

She cries to me for release

 

do I let her out ?

do I dare

 

who will  love her, hate her the most

you or me?

 

will we

can we

 

accept her

allow her?

 

do you care?

 

Copyright  © Gillian Stokes  31 May 2009