Shards.Poem.Gillian Stokes.

Hard words like bullets hit me

searing comments tear my skin

mute me , take away my power

your anger flails me.

With one word your scorn burns me

knocks me to the ground

wounds me deeply

searing my soul

killing me



and it never heals


I am wound upon wound

scar upon scar, building up

layer upon hurting layer


somewhere  inside deep inside

in a tiny dark little corner

my soul lies curled , furled

amoeba like


you say you know me , do you know me ?


I don’t know me,  I know  a thousand me’s

I act

every day I act out a thousand personas

trying to find the one that fits the moment

trying to find the one that pleases the world,

you, myself, friends


sometimes I reflect back what is shown to me, thrown at me

good or bad

aggressive or loud

weak, soft ,emotional

maybe it works better being …

if I reflect you then

maybe you will like it better

if I am more you than me


but these people aren’t me


they are all just shards of the mirror of me

that’s fracturing with the pain of my life

my hurt , my sorrows, my tears

my wastes, my losses, my losing

my cheating myself


she’s crying out that child, that soul

that me…

she’s not gone forever


I see glimpses of her all the time

when I push aside the debris


most times though I leave her be

maybe to protect  her 

maybe because she is so long gone

such a distant memory

that I am losing the reality of her



maybe cos I still don’t know who

I want to be when I grow up


maybe cos it’s easier to blitz out,

avoid, compartmentalize, be the me

I am in the given moment, just exist

respond / react, just do what is expected

damp down the little sparks, one moment, over-react the next

anesthetize, avoid , procrastinate,

be mundane

just exist

just be an amoeba


so who is the amoeba now, her or me


but she won’t leave me alone this soul

of mine

she has a siren’s  call, this Pandora soul of


She cries to me for release


do I let her out ?

do I dare


who will  love her, hate her the most

you or me?


will we

can we


accept her

allow her?


do you care?


Copyright  © Gillian Stokes  31 May 2009