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In Time Poem

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Cristina Hossu

IN THE BITTER STYLE OF MINE

And in front the Infinite...
With the illusion of endlessness
To which I want to throw myself,
To lose myself in his vastness,
To banish from me
All that which is evil and all that which is withered,
And the walls near the place I lived
To leave them somewhere behind
To never return
To the things that begin
So that they can be ended.
Not to hear whispers or touches,
Not to see how the leaves move,
To feel how everything is endless,
To burst myself into a thousand shivers,
So I can sweep myself away in the sea
The salt water burning my lips,
To sink myself in her thought,
So I can feel the stone tearing my flesh.
To resurrect afterwards from the sundown steam
That without shapes, without face
It drowns you in the bitterness of life.
To run in the four sights,
To feel the coldness of blue
From the north of a beloved word,
To burn myself in the white of heat
From the south of the vulgar hell,
To purify myself to the red
In the sun from the dead east,
And to darken even my look
In the black endless west.
To fly downwards to
The center of earth sphere,
To crawl upwards to
The crying sky of so much torment.
To surround myself in the sand
So that I can whip your skin,
To wash my body in the sea
That cleans many shores
On her way to neverend.
To love more than I can take
All is star and all is life,
The wave invites me with his cheek
To feel his mouth of a fish
And his salty scent.
To be human to be demon,
To observe so I can understand
That He who walks over the water
Is a man born from flesh without sin.
All these, and other many things
That my poor word
Doesn't know how to say anymore
(He doesn't know as long as he forgets
what it means to be free,
what it means to be alive).
All these are in my wild wish
To learn what it is to love,
I want them with all my breath
That I have, that I search.
It opposes to all these
My thoughts of those who wait
To be me in their home.
As much as they will know me,
As much as I let them to see
What I am, or what I seem to be,
A painted image
Of the smell of tallow
From a twisted candle
That blows out leaving no trace,
Without crying, without tears,
At the end of an wasted life,
I will be a special case in an asylum,
Having only escape as a cure
A drop, a gram of freedom
So that I can drip myself in the sun.

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IN TIME

I bow before Time
To touch him with my helplessness
That gives birth to monsters in the late hours,
Reasons for shouts and drunkenness.

And Time is passing by....

I curse the Time and his seconds
That pass like a sweet delusion,
Reaping in his way even the drops of innocence
And the moments of virtue and hidden sufferings.

And Time is still passing by...

I reconcile myself to the moment that grew old from waiting,
In my boredom I forget to laugh,
Waking up on the same road
So empty of feelings and grief.

And Time will still pass by...

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IN TIME (II)

The past began together with his words,
Running easily into a kiss
That days and nights I used to feel it
Throwing me into a past present.
I feel the existing present in every dream
That weaves in front of my eyes a net of love
And covering my eyes,
I can no longer tell the future from the present.

The time is he, the eternal one,
Who advances together with me,
His steps seem to sound in my heart
So with every step I feel the shake
Of hundreds of lives that we'll live.

The past, present and future
Merged in one time,
A huge second that will never end
Until his word perishes before he pronounces it.

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IMAGINING

I merge myself with the shadow of time
So I can be the second from your life,
To be carried in your thought and step,
To be near you all my lifetime.

I metamorphose myself in a shroud of mist
So I can veil you and feel you,
Catching you in my hair of clouds
And hearing how much you care for me.
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IN THE MIRROR

I make mistakes with everything I do,
I sin with my words,
I desire meanly with my thought,
And I carry on a defiance of Him in every gesture of mine,
And in my silence you can discover the irony of high virtues;
I impugn them all!
I despise honor and the luminous word,
I dream often for forbidden pacts,
I judge and I condemn all, all that can't forgive me,
I use them and then I crush them
Without regrets or even poor repentance.

And I doom Him for my degradation,
And I shout, disgusted at Him knowing He will hear me,
And I deny even His rib
That, in my insanity, looks like the set-up
Of a psychotic man destined to condemnation.

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CERRIDWEN

I stopped looking for you in useless dreams and hopes,
Through valleys of the mountains and in arms of the corals,
Because in the delirium of my aspiration
I simply found you in words.
And since then I wish to float with you
To worlds known of nobody,
Together to lose ourselves in forbidden words
Which with their insane charm
They embrace and lay you down on me.
I wish to revive the Word from me
So I can be worthy to climb up to you.
Oh, please, let me fly with you,
And strike me with my forehead to the stars
Thus I can detach myself in letters
Which slowly fall on your heart.
I long for those nine days of ecstasy and prayer,
When you sealed me with your feather on the sea,
And when you rise for me anthems to the sky in your flight
So you can never forget me,
And when I offered you in exchange
The warmth of my syllables grabbed from the sun.
Let me rewrite myself under your wings,
And you let yourself be overcome by my accents
And so we can build together
A blank verse of embrace.
How I wish you to recite me more often,
For I need to linger more on your lips
And secretly to enter in your thought.

From now on keep me in your heart
Like a verb from a dead language,
And you will never regret it
Because I always be for you
What I always want,
I will be The One, The Primordial.

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WOMAN OF SIN

Do you remember, God,
When I begged You to give me so much love
That I can fall down under his kisses?
You cursed me, God.
More than I deserve it.
Why he? - I always asked You
But You smiled at me ironically and
You abandoned me for Your angels
Leaving me in solitude to torture myself
Trying to hold a whole world
In my arms just so I can touch him.
You cursed me, God
For the day in which I swore at You and crushed You,
But even if I could turn back time
I will still choose the curse of loving him.
Yes, God, cry!
I wish for You to cry as much as me
And to ask me to forgive You in Your knee.
Yes, God, cry!
Because from now on I do love him.
Yes, God, I love him
And only for him I will forgive You
For the tears that You gave me.
Kill Yourself, God!
Your pain doesn't hurt me anymore
Because I love him so
That I forgot even Your name.

I love You, God,
But I love him more.

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RIPENESS

I want to be transformed into a snake
To throw my tail round you body
Tasting the air you leave behind.
Like a snake I wish to crawl to you
Sensing the warmth of your heart
And I will drag you inside the earth
Leaving you there with your muse
Until the time of my ripeness will come.

I want to be transformed into a falcon
To flap my wings around you
To chase away all the evils close to you.
Like a falcon I wish to fall upon you
To get you into my clutches
And I will tear you to pieces
So no one else can have you
Until the time of my ripeness will come.

I want to be transformed into you
To see you eternally in my eyes
Feeling you, feeling me at the same time.
Like you I want to lust for me
Teaching myself the love of one soul
And I will put a spell on you
Making you forget about everything
Until the time of my ripeness will come.

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TOGETHER

If my body would be the Earth
Then my heart is the Inferno himself,
But in my heart I made womb for him and Love.
Oh, my lover, Master of my Death!
Since you bring the Inferno in my life
I enter deeper and deeper in my earth,
Walking among the rivers of blood
And sentiments that sleep apart
And I rise in me the dust from my past
So I can find my way to you
And die.

You - Master of Death, and I - dead...
The old times earth will cover us.
Tightly sleeping together in the same hole,
We will reign forever, we - kings of the Inferno,
You - Master of Death, and I - dead...

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OBSESSIVELY

A candle burned by my side all night long.
I slept peacefully lying on his shoulder.
In my sleep I heard only a scream like from a beast,
Waking me with my dying lover in my arms.
The white light of the moon fell ruthlessly
And the accomplice stars blinked, talking so loudly.
My lover flinches, smiling sorrowfully
And I kiss him easily on his bitter lips
That still carry the same salty taste.
At the sound of the bell I close my eyes just for a second.
The shadow of a cross wraps us intimately in its ripple.
The wind scatters over us a last hand with earth
And leaves falling in waves from old crying trees,
So that, in our stillness, we may forget everything forever;
About all that once kept us apart.

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I CEASED TO EXIST

I ceased to exist
In the ephemeral body in which
The chaos threw me mercilessly.

I ceased to exist
In this poisonous world
That seems to get old prematurely.
Only for you, which
You were closer to me than air,
I never ceased to exist.

When the wind gave me his body,
And the thought - his swiftness,
Everything that meant renunciation
Ceased to exist for me.

And after I said goodbye to the day,
I fall stealthily into an eternal sleep.
Sleeping on the chest of the night
And with you in my thought,
I ceased to exist forever on earth.

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VERTICALLY (II)

Before we will sink in the endless night
I will take you to my lasting meadow.
Roaming among moments of eagerness,
Deep inside of time, you'll see that
My love is ageless as death.
Another kiss in the oppressive silence and
None of us will feel the coming of dusk.

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A MONOLOGUE IN VEIN

How, God, could I not want my death
When I have nothing alive in me anymore?
Look around You and You will also see
How everything is dead and rot long time ago.
And if you believe me now, try to understand
That my life is lost, reasons I have no more
To continue suchlike in this dried old world.

Think for a moment and give me what I ask You
So that forever I will not be the same again.
Stop now from Your supremacy
And come to see me, come down in my house
And You will also feel the same emptiness, the same ignorance
That enclosed me for years, ravaging a life

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SEASONS OF MY LIFE

*Winter

Nights too long dressed in white
Walk nonchalantly on bridges of ice.
Crystals of cold penetrate my body
Putting me deeply to sleep in hours of horror.

*Spring

You woke up smiling like peace
Enshrouded by inclined tips of grass.
Your new step floating over the flowers
Waked the sun up from a sleep of leading star.

*Summer

In the godly heat of the sky
Birds rise singing so humanly
And your anxious and hasty rain
Flows hotly over my thirsty body.

*Autumn

My days come down slowly in the night
Estranging from a paler sun.
You blow a cold and harsh wind
Covering my face with dead leaves.

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EXISTENCE
My Posterity

In the darkness of our existence,
Living with you in my thought, unseen by anybody,
In the slippery black of the distance
Where the time doesn't dare to make its way,
I estranged myself completely from everything,
Forgetting about God, forgetting even about death.

I often talked to you, confessing you deeds
That only God could know them,
Crying in my fantasy with you near by me,
I prayed only to you, asking for your help,
Falling down in my knees, confessing all my grief

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ENGAGEMENT

I became one day engage to Death
In landscape of the eternal life.
With human face he appeared to me,
Forever in sky and on earth as well.
And yet I'm still alive
But the love consumes me, blinding me with grief
And I cry and I write these lines to easily die
'Cause maybe one day I will meet with you once more.

I will sit on an arm of cross to wait for
The moment I want since past times.
Because I lived all the destined ages
And what is left, it will happen now.
I can not anymore remain in life
Since all I want is to be your bride.

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The Son

You rose Your cross on the mountain where
He gave birth to me from a handful of clay.
In short time I disappeared burying me again
Under the sins in the earth still uncovered by waters.
Your blood that reddened the earth flowed on my head
Filling me up to the soul with Your salvation
And a temple I built up for You in the same place
To glorify You forever as in the beginning,
As when God gave You only for myself.

I will love You, Son of man
As long as your immortality last
And until I will renounce at my death.
Only You will be for me forever
The pillar that ties my Sky with the Earth,
The road that I will follow to His Kingdom.

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IN SEARCH FOR THE LOST DEATH

It has been so long since I didn't feel my death
'Cause I do not know when my thoughts scattered keeping her away
Now I live feeling the suffering of my lost death
And the obsessed silence of one mute heart.
I continue to not speak and I deny a present that can be touch
So that the one who walks hurried through my dreams
To become the endless moment of some imaginary reality.
The cause of the fall in a life which is not mine, I know now
And I can only subdue myself to my pain,
I subdue myself loving sometimes to delirium,
I see new thoughts entering covering an emptiness
And I feel so many and though ... I feel nothing anymore.

And while I write you I feel again how she comes
Because in this very moment I find myself with my hands on my chest
And a drop of wax falls on my mate skin burning me deeply,
And I died again having you beside me
So my torment to be pleasant from now on to eternity.

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YOU

I wish to crave from you a coffin
For I sleep forever in you
And never to lose you again.
And after I will rot
To stream myself down in your veins
And to feed myself with your strength
So I can reborn from you.

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THE CENTER

I try to find my way to the center
So then to stick my roots in hell
And the seven branches in every sky.

And I grow, and I rise...
I think so I can see...

From now on I don't know the illusory anymore,
And the ephemeral, if it ever existed,
I will no longer remember.
I am the prime Center and the last one
And the funerary stone is my home.
Because I am what cannot be seen,
What cannot be heard, 'cause I only exist
In center of world, in the real mode,
I exist without effort as it was before
And I will be the Center inasmuch as the world breathes.

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ONLY A SOUL

I lost my life without knowing it
And though I don't regret because I didn't want it either.
I lost just reproaches,
Lies that I didn't differ from truth,
Dates and drunkenness, reasons for oblivion,
Words that I didn't hear, promises of which I didn't care.
I lost dreams that hurts, lonely mornings,
Not even the nights when I cried I didn't have them anymore,
Nor the corner of the moon on which I hanged my hope,
Nor the wishes that seems to harden me of fear.
The sunshine that fell from my skin,
Thousands of letter that I let unfinished,
Pages with poems, crumpled and forgotten,
They perished also once I understood my soul.
Only to you I didn't let go from my life
Because you're my soul that I carry ceaselessly in my body.
I would not be either in the world, if you wouldn't love so much.

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NARCISSISM

...I wish to talk to somebody about what I feel. I never exaggerated with anything. My proof is this diary about no one doesn't know a thing. Moreover, no one knows about what I talk here almost everyday. They see me differently, like I can show myself right now. That's why I need to write. Because I want people to know me as I am, I want them to know my emotions, my feelings, the sufferings I undergo, the people which I loved, which were indifferent to me...and all these they will know after I will die. I want to leave something behind so I can be known, not unforgotten. Mankind forgets quickly no matter what. I want my family to know me as I was during my lifetime. I don't want them to not forget me, but only to discover me as I was for God and him. Those who read my poems so far, beside him of course, don't represent anything for me. I use them only for my actual satisfaction. They don't know what I felt when I wrote all these poems, they don't know what I want and what I can't have. I want to really know me all those who are around me every day and thought, even if they affirm the reverse, they don't know anything about me. I want my family to know that I cry every time when I write in this notebook, that I am crying right now. I want them to know that I hide myself from them because I don't know what explanations to give them so that they would not treat me as a lunatic, because...I am not like them. I want them to know how in the autumn of '96 I throw myself against God, how I accuse Him of fraud, telling Him that I lost my faith forever. I want them to know how after few days I fall in my knees asking for His mercy and since then I love Him more and more. They don't know all these truths and nor can I talk to them about everything I lived and still live in myself. I don't know why I can't open my soul for humans. There are so many things that they have to know one day...but after my death.
And here is how I find in myself some reasons so I can have the power to write continuum.

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GOD!

How I like the insanity I feel in my brain when I write!
Hot and salty tears - I love them on my face when they dry it.
I love the muddle that I have in my mind when even I don't discern what I want.
I like when I seem to forget contouring the letters on paper
Because I don't know anymore which one to lay first.
I like when God listens to me in the night while I pray.
I get drunk of pleasure with the secrets I carry with me every day
And which seem to drive me mad faster and faster.
I like the craziness and lie that I reveal on my face shamelessly.
The mysteries in which I enshroud myself for my family and friends
Keep me warm when I feel lost and lonely.
I love myself when I can not stop my tears from falling
And when I can not see anything because of them.
I like to see the ink spreading on the sheet because of my tears,
Or the leaf crumpled after the waves of my cry withdraw.
I like when I know myself unknown and hidden,
I love myself when I feel that I love him
And when he returns my love.
I love myself when I can be different than many others,
When I can escape from the yoke of time and fear of dying.
I love the relief from my heart after I can drain myself from the last torment.
I love myself because I am loved by God and him.
I love myself and this is enough so I can die peacefully and loved.

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