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Janet Being Alone 2005

Started 11/28/98, turned into prose 09/25/05

I know there that are certain thing that I have wanted. I know Iım picky, and I know I need attention and love and support... And all this time I thought I could get that from you.
And you know, Iıve been let down before. Iıve dealt with liars full time... and there have been so many times where Iıve had to adjust my truths and my perceptions, and there have been so many times where Iıve had to adjust my schedule. And you know, Iıve had to adjust my schedule for you, too. But I still had a schedule there, and I thought that you would come around and eventually somehow adhere to it.
Maybe Iım getting tired of being let down. Maybe Iım tired of all the bad things happening to me. Maybe Iıve had to keep to myself all this time. Maybe I thought that you wouldnıt do that to me too.

Maybe I wanted to see you, and it wasnıt that I wanted to see your family. Iım getting used to wanting to see your family, but I donıt know what Iım trying for, if youıre now even going to be there.
I donıt know what to expect anymore. I donıt know what to do anymore if youıre not even listening.
So Iıve had to learn how to be alone.

That hasnıt been the easy part to my job. There have been a lot of parts to this job that arenıt easy, and I was hoping for good news. I was hoping for someone to understand. I have been hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.

I try to learn and understand things, beccause that something that can make me happy...
And all this time, I thought that something was you.
I thought you were my light at the end of the tunnel.

I donıt know how much nicer I can be, and I donıt know how many times Iım going to get kicked in the teeth for it. And no, Iıve come to realize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. The waiting isnıt enough.
And no, I can not sit around and wait for you any more

I have to just move on. I donıt know what Iım moving to, but I have to be moving to something.




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Chicago poet Janet Kuypers
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