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How To Cry


How to Cry: Introduction

Although some may be interested in the most appropriate way to cry, the first obstacle that must be tackled is how to make oneself feel the need to cry in the first place. This is the most difficult of the tasks involved in crying; once it is achieved, it does not really matter how one actually goes about crying.


How to Cry: Novice

When one is in a generally in a good mood, or if they do not have the inspiration to cry, they must find the inspiration, otherwise instructions on the appropriate way to cry are fruitless.

The initial task, as stated in previous essays on the subject, is to "steer the imagination toward yourself". This generality and vagueness, however, hinders the imagination from doing just that. When one starts with specific problems to depress oneself with, the generalities will follow.

To start is simple: take any one aspect of your life that you find important to you. Then, find the one largest thing that is wrong with it. Ponder that problem for a while: ponder the fact that this problem may never be solved, that it may never get any better. Decide whether or not it is because of a fault within yourself: if it is, then you can use that as fuel for the fire; if it is not, then you can cry because circumstance, or even the fault of someone else, is what is causing this problem in your life.

After you have thought about this one problem in your life, it may occur to you that there is more than one problem with that aspect of your life. Only after you have exhausted contemplating about the one problem, however, is it appropriate to move onto another problem. You should make sure that you have uncovered all of the saddening thoughts about the one issue before you move on to another issue. The more material to work from, the better.

After you have exhausted all of the problems that exist within this one aspect of your life, move on to another aspect of your life that is important to you. Repeat the above process.

You may come to two different conclusions when you are doing this exercise. One is that you may realize that there were problems in your life that you did not even know existed. This again is good incentive to cry, because it makes you realize how many things are wrong in your life, so it is wise to mull this point over in your mind. The other conclusion may be that you will always have these problems, and that ultimately there is nothing you can do to help yourself out of this situation. This eternal helplessness is also good incentive.


How to Cry: Intermediate

After a while of using this method, it will begin to seem repetitive, and the subject material may become too familiar. In this case, a new twist has to be taken with the order in which the above tasks are accomplished.

Originally, the thought processes are very methodical: take one aspect of your life, find a problem with it, exhaust its potential, find another problem, etc., then move on to another issue. Since, however, the subject by this time begins to have a feel for what all of the issues and problems are, a different approach has to be taken.

First, think of all of the problems at once. All of them. Every last one. Family. Work. The dishes. God. Anything and everything. All at once. The thought of all of these at once will put a frantic, fierce panic into your head that alone may even make you cry.

If this alone does not work, continue thinking of all of these problems, and also start to think of how many problems there actually are and how big the problems actually seem. Consider the quantitative and qualitative value of all of these problems, and they will undoubtedly seem much larger than would have originally been anticipated. Continue contemplating this, and crying will come easier.


How to Cry: Professional

By this time, the thought of all of your problems using the above methods will not even phase you. The focus of your attention must then shift to one of two things.

First, it can shift to the fact the it seems difficult, or even impossible, to make any of these problems any better. When confronted with a mass pile of problems, it seems difficult to attempt to solve even one of the problems -- and if you can, it is only one of many. Contemplate the fact that it seems like you are in a no win situation.

If this attention shift does not work, then think about the fact that the pile of problems you have does not even succeed anymore in making you cry. This thought alone will make you think that any shred of humanness to you has now been ripped away from you.


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